What if Harry, Ron and Hermione, much to Hermione's dismay, were expelled from Hogwarts? And what if Snape was fired for mass failures in Potions class? And what if the four of them, kicked out of Hogwarts and banished to the Muggle world, decided to move in together while they made the transition from magical to mundane? This is that story.
This is Harry. He's not exactly wild about being Snape's ward, but he's willing to put up with it as long as he doesn't have to live with the Dursleys. He's sad that he can't do magic anymore, but at least he doesn't need Hermione to remind him how Muggles live their lives. Nobody knows him in Bridgeport, which is okay by him because no one will insist on reminding him that he has his dead mother's eyes.
And this handsome fellow is Ron! Someone forgot to tell him that Muggle photos don't move, so the little bugger blinks in every picture.
And here's Hermione! As a Muggle-born, she frequently has to remind Ron and Snape that food WILL spoil if it's not put in a refrigerator. She's top of her class at Bridgeport High School, and won't let anyone forget it. (Needless to say, Snape still says she's a know-it-all.)
And here's Snape! His life has gone downhill. Not only is he now the sole guardian of three unruly teenagers, he is the guardian of the three teenagers that most get on his nerves. He wonders what he did to deserve this.
..........................................
FRIDAY: Arrived in the Muggle city Bridgeport. It is riddled with disease, and a cloud of polution perpetually hangs over the horizon. Everywhere you turn is a self-righteous, undertalented "celebrity," who believes he or she is entitled to the world.(Potter should feel right at home here.)
Upon our leave from Hogwarts, we were given a meager amount of Muggle money in order to start our new lives off. The sum was reduced even further by Weasley and Potter, when they discovered the local arcade down the street. Therefore, we could only afford rent on a cramped one-bedroom villa and a modest sporting truck. Granger sniggers at me when I drive it; she informs me only middle-aged housewives would be seen in such a vehicle.
SUNDAY: Apparently some middle-aged housewives have stolen our vehicle. As I entered the garage (with the muggle laundry machine) this afternoon to attend to Potter, Granger and Weasley's growing pile of filthy unmentionables, all that remained of our trucked was a puddle of oil. "Where's the car?" I cried.
Potter and Granger came running. "Oh, Professor Snape, did you leave the car doors unlocked?" Granger is but a child but she treats me with such a condescending manner I wonder if those ridiculous Muggle tooth doctors ever taught her the meaning of respect.
"No, I didn't leave the car doors unlocked," I spat. "One of you must have taken it and sold it to one of your delinquent friends."
"Hey, where's Ron?" asked Potter, as though the theft of our only means of transportation mattered less than the location of his idiot friend.
"I don't care where Weasley is! For all I care, he could be halfway across the town..."
Of course. Weasley took the car. He must have found the keys in my desk drawer while I was distracted organizing his dirty undergarments.
"Weasley," I growled.There was no telling where the little wretch was. I demanded Granger use the Muggle telephone to dial the police for me. "Hello, my name is Severus Snape, and I'd like to report a stolen vehicle," I told them.
"Okay, Mr. Snape, what is the year and make of your vehicle?"
"It is dark green utility vehicle, I am unsure of how old it is, but I was informed that it is the kind that non-magical housewives drive. I have reason to suspect my ward, Weasley, took it, but you should probably do a search of the local women just in case."
"Mr. Snape, do you realize it is a crime to waste the police's time?"
"Yes, so don't waste any more time, and track down Weasley and the housewives!"
I heard a noise on the other end, followed by a dreadful noise in my ear. Granger told me this signalled that the police officer had hung up on me.
"Well, if the Muggle police force won't help me locate my stolen property, I will search every corner of this town myself."
Potter snorted. "Good luck, Snape. He could be anywhere."
I clenched my fists and stomped up the stairs to blow off steam in my diary. How I detest being a father.
LATER: Granger approached me this evening as I was cleaning the toilet. "Professor, if it's any help, Ron told me he was going to go catching butterflies today."
The Butterfly Esplanade! Of course! I ran out the door and down three blocks to the subway station. I would deal with Granger witholding information from me later.
When I arrived, immediately saw my car parked in the lot. I batted some irratating moths away from my face and crashed through the insect sanctuary, bellowing Weasley's name. Eventually, I can to a small pond near a bench, on which I found Weasley sleeping. Actually sleeping. He had a ridiculous grin on his face, as though he was dreaming about something pleasant. I literally could feel my face turning crimson with rage.
"WEEEEEASLEY!!!" I shouted in his ear. He yawned and stretched, then stood up. "Hi, Snape. Did you come to catch butterflies too?"
"WEASLEY. Do you have any idea how worried I was? You were gone all day!"
He looked taken aback. "Oh, Snape, you do care!"
"What? NO! You took my car! All day, without my car! I expected you would turn up inside it tomorrow morning at the bottom of the bay! Think of the damage you could have caused it!"
His face fell and he looked down at his shoes. "Sorry, Snape." He mumbled.
"You will be when I'm done with you, you imbecile. Now, give me my keys. You're walking home."
"But it's almost dark out! There are vampires in Bridgeport!"
"Vampires, you say? Excellent. That should dissuade you from thievery in the future. Good day, Weasley."
I was about to turn and leave when something in the horrible child snapped, and he slapped me.
"Alright, Weasley, that's it. I'm...going to ground you. What is it that Muggle parents take away when they want to ground their children?"
He blinked. "They deny them an education, by forbidding homework."
"A likely story. I'll just have you take a job at the mortuary in the wee hours before school."
His mouth gaped like a fish, and I went back to my car and went home. I assume he'll turn up home soon. If not, well, then the vampires have another meal and I have one less mouth to feed.
